ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello Again.....I have come to a decision that was not easy to make. I am temporarily stopping the novel blog and resuming the questions blog. I won't necessarily be posting every week, but I will post when the spirit moves me, when I feel that I have something to say. 

I think that life has to be about challenging yourself and growing through that challenge, but sometimes it is also about honestly acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses. I was not writing the novel that I hoped to write. I was not entirely proud of what I was putting out there and that made me reluctant to continue the story. Perhaps, someday, Sarah and Miriam will call me back. Perhaps, their story will shape itself in my head as I lead my life, and I will be motivated to resume their tale. Or not. Maybe their story is not the story I need to write.

In the meantime, I will continue to post my thoughts and queries, my dreams and observations, to the question blog. I hope that I have not disappointed anyone; though, I can't help feeling a bit disappointed in myself. When I was young, I started out writing fiction and loving the appeal of creating worlds from words on paper. Then, life taught me to value truth and honesty because without them, nothing else is real. Today, I'm realizing that memoir feels like the genre that best suits me. When I write about the books I'm reading, the dreams I have, the food I create or the people I know...I am embracing and chronicling a life lived. For now...that feels like what I am supposed to be doing.

Please stay tuned for a new post from this blog soon. As you may have noticed, I tweaked the title a bit.

Thanks to all of my faithful bleaders for taking this circuitous journey with me.

-Rachel

Chapter Eighteen

The unthinkable happened last night and I m still trying to come to terms with what it means.
At about three in the morning my cell phone rang and jarred me out of a deep sleep. In the order in which they flooded my brain, here are the disastrous options that I imagined:
              1. Something wrong with mom
              2. Something wrong with Abby or Ian or their kids
              3. Rara
             
Happily, this particular disaster did not affect any of the above. Lightening struck the bakery. By the time the fire crew arrived on the scene, so much damage had been done that the firefighters focused mainly on keeping the fire from spreading to any of the surrounding structures.

One of the benefits of living in a small suburb of a large city is that everyone knows you. Bill Adams, the local Fire Captain, called me as soon as he got the call. As I was driving over to the shop to meet them, I was trying to stay optimistic. After all, it was raining buckets, so how could a fire rage amidst all of that water? Sadly, I learned that it can. Sarah's Sweet Cakes was fully ablaze when I pulled up onto the side street. The air smelled like burnt sugar...but maybe I'm imagining that. I didn't even realize that I was crying until Bill handed me a tissue. Within the next hour, the proprietors of the neighboring businesses arrived to survey the damage. I called Abby and she came to wait with me. After the last flame had been extinguished, the firefighters went in to assess the damage. I tried to join them but they said that the foundation had not yet been secured.

Abby held my hand as we waited for the first report. When Bill approached us, the expression on his face said everything. "I'm really going to miss those red velvet cupcakes with my afternoon tea, Sarah. But you'll rebuild. You're young. This is just gonna be a bump in the road."

Abby squeezed my hand tightly. "No one was injured. Your insurance is up-to-date. We'll help you figure this out. I promise."

Just then, a very familiar looking yellow bug pulled into the parking spot next to Abby's car. Rara jumped out of the driver's side door just as Miriam bolted out of the passenger side. The two elderly women raced towards Sarah, and Miriam got there first. Both women were dressed oddly as if they had layered clothes over their nightgowns rather than starting from scratch and getting dressed. Sarah was enormously grateful to see them.

"We came as soon as Abby called and told us," Miriam said. "Rara offered to drive since my night vision is getting worse..We just threw jackets on over our night clothes....We look atrocious...Hopefully, we won't run into anyone we know. Oh never mind about all that, what the hell happened?"

"Mom," Abby chimed in. "Breathe. This was an Act of God...totally unpredictable and unpreventable."


"Must we really bring God into it?" Rara asked. "Things happen. Do we have to  hang blame on some faceless deity in order to make sense of it?"

The three other women just stared at her blankly. "If you think this is the time to engage in one of your spiritual debates about the cosmos, you are even wackier than I think you are!" As Miriam spoke her hands were shaking slightly at her side.

"Oh shit," said Rara. "You're right. Its the middle of the night and I'm frankly spooked by all of this. Besides, the older I get, the weirder I am without my coffee!"

She walked over to Sarah and put her arms around her. "C'mon baby girl. We will fix this. We are strong, capable women and we can rise above this whole lightening fire mess thing. In fact, knowing us, we will have you back up and running way before anyone has time to miss their little baby bundt cakes."

Sarah looked at Rara and then at Abby and finally at Miriam, and something became startlingly clear to her. "I love you all. So much. You have been there for my ups and my downs and my in betweens. But, I'm going to take this as a sign. Maybe from God. Maybe from the cosmos. Maybe from something else...or nothing at all. Sitting here, watching this lovely business I've created burn to the ground, I've made a decision. I'm not re-building...I'm reinventing."

Chapter Seventeen

I've been thinking a lot lately about men. I used to think that my relationship with the other sex could best be summed up by the phrase: "Can't live with them; can't live without them!"  Don't get me wrong; my husband was a good man. He was kind and generous and honest and smart. He loved me more than anyone else had ever loved me. I think I loved him BECAUSE he loved me so much, if that makes any sense. And I am a practical gal and he was the practical choice for a partner. I needed someone who wouldn't balk at my long hours and the grueling demands of a medical career. I needed to be with someone who would share the parenting responsibilities with me in the years before men were held accountable for parenting. We were good together. We raised two lovely daughters. We cared for one another.

But...I know...I know...why does there always have to be a BUT? But, every now and then, I missed the sizzle and spark. I'm  not a Romantic. I don't believe that each of us is designed with one perfect match in mind, one soul-mate. I had a list of things I needed in a partner and Phil had most of those traits. It made sense.

When I came up with my plan to help Sarah, I created another list, a list of the traits that Sarah needed in a mate. I thought I would make a man for her who was caring and smart. A guy who loved to eat and to talk and to cuddle (because Sarah is a much more affectionate gal than I am). But...(YES, here comes another BUT), after spending the last three weeks with Henry, I am suddenly questioning everything I ever thought about the male gender.

Henry does not have all the qualities on my list...other than the obvious appendage. He is bald and short and has a belly that makes me worry about his cholesterol levels. He is not polished like Phil; he is rough around the edges. He laughs too loudly and chews with his mouth open half the time. He cannot play too much golf or
watch too much football. I think anything that involves a ball is a waste of time.

While he frequents his son's gourmet restaurant, he would be much happier eating a slice of Chicago-style deep dish pizza, the greasier the better. He wouldn't know the difference between a Malbec and a Merlot.
Museums bore him and the last novel he actually read cover to cover was Catch 22. He starts every day with a bagel and shmear and two cups of black coffee and the ipad version of the Wall Street Journal.

When I'm with him, I feel like I'm sixteen and I laugh until I'm afraid I'll need to start wearing Depends.
When he touches me, even if his hand accidentally brushes against my shoulder as he's opening the car door for me, I tingle. When I wake up in the morning, I check my phone to see if he's texted me. Every morning since the Josh Groban concert, I've woken up to a cute little text that says something like: "Wake Up Sleeping Beauty," or "Rise and Shine My Valentine." So corny and trite...but I love every bit of it.

Henry would fail any test I would devise about the perfect mate, and yet I am suddenly perfectly happy! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think its time to re-think everything I thought I knew.

Chapter Sixteen

One of the confusing things about life is that everything is relative. My fatal flaw is that I am too interested in what other people think. Bottom line? I want the world to think well of me. OK...maybe I don't really care about the whole world...but I want the people who care about me to view me in a positive light.

On the surface, that doesn't sound terribly dangerous or dysfunctional. However, in practice, it makes living life like one of those corn mazes in Iowa somewhere. I can never find my own way out because each time I talk to someone, they give me a different answer and I head off obediently in that direction.

To prove my point, I've compiled a collection of responses to some questions I've posed recently to the important people in my life. I think these will speak for themselves.


Sarah: I stumbled upon mom making out at the Josh Groban concert yesterday and I'm torn between being really happy for her and feeling like killing myself because my 76 year old mother gets more action than I've seen in months.

Abby: I thought I was the narcis-sister. Get over yourself and just laugh about the sheer awkwardness of it all!

RaRa: Ok..that was definitely weird and totally out-of-character for Miriam but its time she got back in the saddle. Hell..a little saddle action might make her a lot more fun to be around! As far as you're concerned, my lovie, send her good thoughts and they will all bounce back on you. Karma, baby, karma!

Dr. L.: Even as adults, we have trouble coming to terms with our parents' sexuality. But we are all sexual creatures, aren't we, Sarah?
(Dr. L. likes to end every statement with a question. It annoys the heck out of me!)

Brad: Fucking hilarious! Seriously, if I saw my mom making out on the lawn I'd probably take a photo and frame it. I love her, but she is seriously way too uptight to make out in public. Miriam has it going on! Oh...and about that other part...easily rectified, darling. I'm free Thursday night!

Miriam: Certainly you have something better to do than obsess about a silly moment at some concert.
Really, Sarah! My life has nothing whatsoever to do with your life. That isn't exactly what I meant to say. You are a lovely, charming, beautiful woman, Sarah. But you worry far too much about the rest of the world..including me. Sail YOUR ship, Sarah!
(What the hell does that mean? Why does she feel the need to talk in metaphors when things get personal!!!!!)

Sarah: Where are all the GOOD men?

Abby: I think I married the last great man! Sorry!

RaRa: All around you, sweet girl. You just need to open those beautiful eyes of yours a little wider.

Dr. L.: The right man will show up when you are content with yourself, Sarah. What will it take for you to believe that you are a good woman?
(I hate answers wrapped in questions!)

Brad: Are you really asking me about other men?  That's like kicking a guy in his crown jewels, Sarah!

Miriam:  Funny you should ask. I've been tossing around a few solutions to that problem but I am not prepared to share them at this moment.
(Cryptic as always, mother!)

Sarah: I want a child more than anything, so why am I procrastinating about filling out the adoption paperwork for Bao?

Abby: Having Sam & Alex was the best thing I ever did in my whole life (other than marrying Ian). Get off your ass and make it happen!

RaRa: Can I go back to the first question? I think you need to define "good." After all, my good isn't going to be good for you. Heterosexual must be at the top of your list after that confused husband of yours..but what else matters? Think about it, Sarah. And when you have a list written with twenty or so items on it, cross out everything other than the first two. Then you won't be looking for a good man, you'll be looking for the man who is good enough to take the journey with you.

(Then Rona took another bite of her pear cupcake with cinnamon icing and continued).

And about the baby thing...being a mom is--hands down--the hardest job that the universe requires of us. It tests you in ways you cannot begin to imagine. It makes you constantly aware of the fact that life is a fragile miracle. Be brave and do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Dr. L: Procrastination is the mind's way of putting on the brakes. What part of this decision are you questioning?

Brad: Sounds a little nuts to me but I will support you any way that I can. "Uncle Brad" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Miriam: This is a HUGE step, Sarah...especially without a partner. Are you really financially stable enough to provide for a child? Have you considered the cost of educating a child properly? Of course, I will embrace any child that you bring into this family. I just need you to be certain that you have addressed all the possible contingencies. What if the child needs special help? What if she doesn't fully bond with you? What if  she grows up and wants to return to China?

Sarah: If I tell you what I really dream of doing, will you call me crazy?

Abby: Of course. You are the crazy sister; I am the solid sister. Do you really think that's ever going to change! Be crazy, Sarah. I wish I could!

RaRa: Life is crazy! My favorite people are crazy! Embrace the CRAZY!!!

Dr. L. : Why would it matter what the rest of us think, Sarah? Do you want the world to define you or do you want to begin to define yourself?

Brad:  What is it? You can tell me? I won't judge you. Did I ever tell you what I fantasize about?

Miriam:  Life is about finding solutions. Are you finding solutions, Sarah, or are you making more problems for yourself?

(I rest my case!)

Chapter Fifteen

Miriam leaned back on her elbows and looked around. It was a beautiful night and while Josh Groban was no Frank Sinatra, it was still enjoyable music to listen to. Henry had insisted on bringing dinner, even though she had offered, and he brought a beautiful picnic basket filled with treats form Jeff's restaurant. Everything about the night had been, well, perfect. It was odd when things exceeded her expectations because Miriam tended to expect so much out of life. It was odder still when she was not the one pulling the strings. Looking up at the clear night sky, Miriam felt an unfamiliar sensation. "This must be what letting go feels like," she thought.

And then seconds later, just as Miriam was trying to figure out what this new feeling felt like, everything changed. Henry's hand, which had been just barely grazing her leg as he stretched out on the blanket, moved to her thigh. And she didn't want him to remove it. In fact, she couldn't remember when  a man had last touched her with that kind of attention. Phil had been a good man but she had chosen him because he was a good man. There weren't ever really fireworks between them but there had been a steady warmth that made their home life easy and happy. This was something else entirely. It was as if his touch actually burned her skin.

She laughed to herself and decided that she was being ridiculous. "I am far too old for this kind of nonsense," she decided. And then he kissed her. Not a peck. It was a movie kiss and no one had ever kissed her like that. Not ever.

"Mom?"

Miriam opened her eyes to see Sarah standing over her. As she jumped up, Miriam bumped foreheads with Henry, and they both brought their hands up to their foreheads in a reflexive but pointless protective gesture.

"Sarah, what on earth are you doing here?"

"Leading a seance. What do you think I'm doing? I'm enjoying the concert. I just went to the ladies' room and I got all turned around when I came out."

"You aren't here alone are you?"

"I'm here with Brad. You've met him."

"The Taste Bud Buddy  neighbor person?"

"Yes. Hi Mr. Gordon. How are you?" Sarah decided to ignore the fact that her mother and Henry had just been caught making out on the lawn of the Pembrook Theater. If Miriam had taught her nothing else, she had instilled in her the polite way to interact with all sorts of people under all  sorts of circumstances.

After a few minutes of painful chitchat, Sarah excused herself to find her way back to her own blanket.

As she wandered back through the crowd, retracing her steps, she texted Abigail: "Big news!" Call me!"

As soon as Sarah left, Miriam felt as if someone had doused out whatever heat she was feeling with a bucket of ice water.

"Henry, I've really enjoyed this evening, but I'm feeling a little tired and I think I'd like to get home."

Ever gallant, Henry quickly began packing up the picnic things and within a few minutes, they were headed out together toward the parking lot. At first, Miriam read the expression on his face as sheepish, but on closer inspection, she realized he was simply pensive.

"Miriam, I feel that I may have offended you. It continues to amaze me that none of this male-female stuff ever gets any easier."

Two responses competed for  space in Miriam's larynx.

Response #1: "You seem like..I mean I know you are...a lovely man, Henry but I'm pretty sure those kinds of feelings are far behind me."

Response #2: "I like you and I liked kissing you, but I do not need any more complications at this age."

But neither sentence ever reached Henry's ears because instead of actually saying anything out loud, Miriam turned toward Henry and planted a wet, juicy kiss right on his surprised lips.

Chapter Fourteen

The grounds of the Pembrook Theater looked like a sea of colorful masts as picnic blankets in a wild array of colors adorned the grassy hillside. It was a lovely end-of-summer night with a perfect 72-ish temp and a gentle breeze coming off the lake. As was the custom, people had brought picnic dinners and many of them were incredibly elaborate. Sarah loved to sneak a peek at all the different foods as she strolled around trying to find the perfect spot to lay out her quilt.

If truth be told, Sarah had been having mixed feelings about this whole "un-date" with Brad. On the one hand, she was thrilled to be able to see her favorite singer, Josh Groban, in concert. This would be the fourth time she had been able to see him perform live and she had never left disappointed. However, on the other hand, she was going with Brad and she had tried very hard to keep their relationship congenial but not too congenial. Since his divorce, he had earned a bad reputation for being a bit of a playboy and, in the past, that type of man had tended to be her undoing. She liked the way they were comfortable in their skin and comfortable with her skin. Those types of men tended to know their way around  a female body. Unfortunately, they also tended to know lots of females...and that was KNOW in the biblical sense. After a while, that wandering eye always wandered elsewhere and left Sarah feeling used like yesterday's dishes. As soon as Brad moved in next door, it was if he had a flashing neon warning light tattooed on his forehead screaming "DANGER!" She liked him like cotton candy....a little is lovely but she knew that large doses could be lethal.

Brad had sent her ticket to her via a messenger this afternoon, telling her he had a deal that was closing but that he would find her on the lawn. Brad owned a high-end real estate firm and he was always either closing a deal or about to close a deal or hoping to close a deal. He offered to bring dinner but Sarah insisted that the food would be her contribution to the evening. She liked cooking savory dishes even though baking was her first love. Creating a menu for a picnic was always a bit of a challenge. After all, one had to be able to serve and eat food while sitting on the ground and balancing a plate on your lap. Being a tad clumsy herself, Sarah was extremely cognizant of the messiness factor when creating her menu.

First, she made broiled tuna steaks with a wasabi cream sauce. The tuna was actually best served at room temperature so it would be perfect for the picnic dinner. Then she made a rustic pasta salad filled with broccoli florets and red pepper strips and black olives and lightly dressed in a balsamic vinaigrette.
Last, but hardly least, she brought 4 different cup cakes which they could sample and share: Brad's current favorite, RhuBarbie and Fen (a rhubarb cupcake with a cream cheese frosting with a hint of fennel), her number one seller: Sarah's Sanity (an insane combination of peanut butter cake and a chocolate ganache icing), the Lemon-Lavender cupcakes that Brad had taste-tested a few weeks earlier and a surprise cupcake that she had been working on perfecting.

As soon as Sarah found a spot that suited her, she began to unload the picnic basket and organize their meal. Like clockwork, Brad appeared at the top of the hill nearest her as she finished laying out the last item. She waved to show him where she was located, and he quickly made his way around the other concert goers to take his place on the quilt next to her.

"How did you find me? There must be over 500 people here already!"

"I have a great nose. I just sniffed around for the best food."

"Funny. Am I blushing? Seriously, how did you find me so fast?"

"Sarah, you and I are in sync."

"The band?"

"Ha! No,  we're  on the same wavelength. We dance to the same beat. I am the Zip to your Zap, the Ying to your Yang...."

"The peanut butter to my jelly?"

"Exactly!"

Sarah laughed. "You are incredibly full of shit. Are there really women out there who fall for those lines?"

"You would be surprised how easy it is to woo a woman."

"Why is that?"

"I'm no Dr. Phil, but if you seriously want to know what I think, I'll tell you."

Sarah nodded and motioned her hand for him to continue.

"I think it has to do with the way society sends a message to women..starting when they're girls, that sets a standard for them that is almost impossible to reach. If a man understands this, he can get any woman he wants to spread her legs for him."

"Ugh. That's really classy, Brad."

"OK...I know it sounds awful but women are socialized to believe that they are fundamentally lacking. We sell them millions of products to take hair off and take weight off and add weight to other areas..."

"Like boobs and butts?"

"Exactly. Women are supposed to be built like part Twiggy and part Beyonce."

"Not exactly a realistic goal for most people."

"Right. So that is where the lover of women comes in."

"You mean that is where he takes advantage of the fragile egos?"

"The societally damaged egos."

"OK. Then what?"

"Then he consistently and persistently tries to undo all of the media's messages in her head. He tells her she is thin enough and endowed enough and her hair is straight enough or curly enough and her skin is clear enough or tan enough."

"So he tells her what she wants to hear in order to get in her pants."

"No, it isn't as sinister as all that. He isn't making things up. She is perfect. He's just telling the truth."

Sarah tried to buy herself some time by putting the food on the plates she brought and pouring them each a glass of the chilled Sauvignon Blanc. She was really hating Brad a few seconds ago. She could feel her heart beat racing as she prepared to call him out for his insanely antiquated chauvinist words. But then, somehow, it sort of turned around and ended up someplace....well... sweet. Clearly, her radar was on the fritz. She really couldn't tell the good guys from the bad guys anymore.

After tons of compliments on the dinner, Brad suggested that they take a little break before indulging in the cupcakes. The warm-up act had ended and Josh Groban was taking the stage. Sarah tried to find a comfortable position but no pose felt completely right.

"Allow me," Brad said gallantly as he crossed his legs and put a pillow Sarah had brought with the quilt into his lap. He gently guided her shoulders downward and she lay back resting her head on the pillow. It was a surprisingly comfortable pose.

"You have all the moves, my friend."

"They come in handy sometimes."

The moon shining overhead, Groban's sweet melodies caressing her ears, Sarah was feeling unbelievably content. It didn't hurt that Brad had also been gently massaging her shoulders. She felt loose and liquidy like one of her batters. She must have drifted off into a light sleep because she was having a dream that she and Brad were in bed...together. WHen she jolted awake, there was a loud bang as their jaws collided. Apparently, he was leaning down to give her a soft kiss on her forehead just as she awakened.

"Shit!" Brad screamed. "Why'd you do that?"

"Ow! What were you doing? I fell asleep. I must have jumped up when I was waking up.
Why were you hovering?"

Brad looked slightly sheepish. "OK. Not hovering. You just looked so peaceful. I don't know. Something made me want to kiss you."

At this point, Sarah was sitting up and they were facing each other. "Ok...this is certainly awkward," she thought. So, she did what she always did when life got weird, "Time for cupcakes!"

Chapter Thirteen

The news about Saul had not been good, but after she cradled him and sobbed for the better part of the day yesterday, Miriam resigned herself to the fact that her beloved cat would need to be put to sleep. The other realization she had to accept was that she was not ready to put the cloning in motion. While she was used to being a problem solver, she was also fairly realistic when it came to her rare failures. Besides, she had moved on to bigger things. The idea of pulling a Victor Frankenstein, and creating a man, tantalized her. She had even reached out to a few scientists around the country who were doing work with organ cloning. Dr. Tal Bimni in North Carolina had had amazing luck with cloning kidneys and Dr. Stephanie Vinter at Columbia had successfully cloned a human heart. Mary Shelley based her theories on Galvanism, and her fictional doctor gave new life to dead tissues through electrical impulses. It was all terribly crude of course, by today's standards. The amazing thing is that all of this was no longer the stuff of horror films or science fiction. It was all possible.

Miriam was wrapped up in the flow of  sketching out her plan when the house phone rang. She was tempted to ignore it thinking that anyone whom she actually wanted to speak to would try her on her cell phone. However, after the fifth ring, she grabbed the receiver.

"Yes," she said in a tone that was noticeably clipped.

"Hi. Is this Miriam?"

"Who is this?"

"Is this Miriam?"

"Who is calling?"

This ping-pong like silliness might have continued if the male caller had not put a stop to it.

"Miriam. I know that's you. I recognize your sexy voice. This is Henry. Henry Gordon."

Miriam's voice softened and warmed as if one suddenly wrapped a popsicle in a fur jacket.
"Oh, Henry. Ha...makes me think of that old candy bar. But we aren't old, are we?"

"Certainly not. In fact, that would be why I'm calling."

"To remind me that I'm still young?" And there was a coquettishness in Miriam's tone that hadn't been there since she actually was young.

"After seeing you at Jeff's place last week, I'm sure you don't need any reminder. Speaking of Jeff, he said I shouldn't call you."

"Really?" And Miriam could feel her defenses going up. Why the heck wouldn't Jeff want his father to call her? Didn't he like her? She'd always thought that he'd admired her when he was a young man.

"Nope, he said I should friend you on Facebook. When I told him I have a face and I have a book but I see no need to have a Facebook, he just shrugged and told me I should text you."

Miriam laughed.  "Perhaps you could have tweeted."

"Tweet, Schmeet. What are we? Birds?"

"Well, I completely disagree with Jeff about all this techno-babble.  And you can tell him that I said
 that calling was the perfect thing to do!"

"Believe me, I will! He's a smart cookie, but every once in a while I relish being able to tell him he's wrong."

"I know exactly what you mean!"

"I actually did have a reason for calling...other than proving my son wrong about contemporary communication skills."

"I'm all ears."

"That's funny. When I saw you, you seemed to have a few other body parts as well."

Geez! What was happening here? If she didn't know better, Miriam would have thought Henry was flirting with her! Could he be flirting? Would she even recognize flirting if it slapped her on the rear? It had been so very long.

"Look, I don't want to take too much more of your time, Mims, but I happen to have come into possession of two tickets for this Josh Groban kid at the Pembrook Outdoor Theater this weekend.
Jeff promised me its not that rap stuff. Swears we'll like it and it won't bust out our eardrums. What do you say?"

Miriam thought about it for a minute--because Miriam thought about everything before she did it...and then she said, "Sounds lovely."

So she had been mourning the loss of Saul, and then plotting the creation of a man, and then a man called and asked her out on a date. Life was full of surprises!