Chapter Sixteen

One of the confusing things about life is that everything is relative. My fatal flaw is that I am too interested in what other people think. Bottom line? I want the world to think well of me. OK...maybe I don't really care about the whole world...but I want the people who care about me to view me in a positive light.

On the surface, that doesn't sound terribly dangerous or dysfunctional. However, in practice, it makes living life like one of those corn mazes in Iowa somewhere. I can never find my own way out because each time I talk to someone, they give me a different answer and I head off obediently in that direction.

To prove my point, I've compiled a collection of responses to some questions I've posed recently to the important people in my life. I think these will speak for themselves.


Sarah: I stumbled upon mom making out at the Josh Groban concert yesterday and I'm torn between being really happy for her and feeling like killing myself because my 76 year old mother gets more action than I've seen in months.

Abby: I thought I was the narcis-sister. Get over yourself and just laugh about the sheer awkwardness of it all!

RaRa: Ok..that was definitely weird and totally out-of-character for Miriam but its time she got back in the saddle. Hell..a little saddle action might make her a lot more fun to be around! As far as you're concerned, my lovie, send her good thoughts and they will all bounce back on you. Karma, baby, karma!

Dr. L.: Even as adults, we have trouble coming to terms with our parents' sexuality. But we are all sexual creatures, aren't we, Sarah?
(Dr. L. likes to end every statement with a question. It annoys the heck out of me!)

Brad: Fucking hilarious! Seriously, if I saw my mom making out on the lawn I'd probably take a photo and frame it. I love her, but she is seriously way too uptight to make out in public. Miriam has it going on! Oh...and about that other part...easily rectified, darling. I'm free Thursday night!

Miriam: Certainly you have something better to do than obsess about a silly moment at some concert.
Really, Sarah! My life has nothing whatsoever to do with your life. That isn't exactly what I meant to say. You are a lovely, charming, beautiful woman, Sarah. But you worry far too much about the rest of the world..including me. Sail YOUR ship, Sarah!
(What the hell does that mean? Why does she feel the need to talk in metaphors when things get personal!!!!!)

Sarah: Where are all the GOOD men?

Abby: I think I married the last great man! Sorry!

RaRa: All around you, sweet girl. You just need to open those beautiful eyes of yours a little wider.

Dr. L.: The right man will show up when you are content with yourself, Sarah. What will it take for you to believe that you are a good woman?
(I hate answers wrapped in questions!)

Brad: Are you really asking me about other men?  That's like kicking a guy in his crown jewels, Sarah!

Miriam:  Funny you should ask. I've been tossing around a few solutions to that problem but I am not prepared to share them at this moment.
(Cryptic as always, mother!)

Sarah: I want a child more than anything, so why am I procrastinating about filling out the adoption paperwork for Bao?

Abby: Having Sam & Alex was the best thing I ever did in my whole life (other than marrying Ian). Get off your ass and make it happen!

RaRa: Can I go back to the first question? I think you need to define "good." After all, my good isn't going to be good for you. Heterosexual must be at the top of your list after that confused husband of yours..but what else matters? Think about it, Sarah. And when you have a list written with twenty or so items on it, cross out everything other than the first two. Then you won't be looking for a good man, you'll be looking for the man who is good enough to take the journey with you.

(Then Rona took another bite of her pear cupcake with cinnamon icing and continued).

And about the baby thing...being a mom is--hands down--the hardest job that the universe requires of us. It tests you in ways you cannot begin to imagine. It makes you constantly aware of the fact that life is a fragile miracle. Be brave and do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Dr. L: Procrastination is the mind's way of putting on the brakes. What part of this decision are you questioning?

Brad: Sounds a little nuts to me but I will support you any way that I can. "Uncle Brad" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Miriam: This is a HUGE step, Sarah...especially without a partner. Are you really financially stable enough to provide for a child? Have you considered the cost of educating a child properly? Of course, I will embrace any child that you bring into this family. I just need you to be certain that you have addressed all the possible contingencies. What if the child needs special help? What if she doesn't fully bond with you? What if  she grows up and wants to return to China?

Sarah: If I tell you what I really dream of doing, will you call me crazy?

Abby: Of course. You are the crazy sister; I am the solid sister. Do you really think that's ever going to change! Be crazy, Sarah. I wish I could!

RaRa: Life is crazy! My favorite people are crazy! Embrace the CRAZY!!!

Dr. L. : Why would it matter what the rest of us think, Sarah? Do you want the world to define you or do you want to begin to define yourself?

Brad:  What is it? You can tell me? I won't judge you. Did I ever tell you what I fantasize about?

Miriam:  Life is about finding solutions. Are you finding solutions, Sarah, or are you making more problems for yourself?

(I rest my case!)